Motherhood was not designed to make me "happy," but to make me holy.
*Before you read ahead, let me clarify that I ADORE my children and I love being their mother. These are my random, yet hopefully collected thoughts on a part of motherhood that I believe others might be feeling and are afraid to confess*
In Genesis 3:16 God gave His curse to the woman, "I will greatly increase your pain in childbearing; with pain you will give birth to children." The New King James version says, “I will greatly multiply your sorrow and your conception; In pain you shall bring forth children..." I think something we mothers overlook is that God didn't just curse us with pain in actual labor, but with grief in all things when it comes to raising children. Think about when you first become pregnant. Your body goes through changes that can be anything but a blessing. Sickness, fatigue, hormones that can leave you severely depressed, and so on. For me, my curse in pregnancy is a severely stuffy nose (called pregnancy rhinitis). When I say severe, I mean sometimes my nose is 100% blocked leaving me chewing with my mouth open just so I can taste my food, nasal steroids and a crazy dry mouth in the morning...for ALL nine months! I know some of you would trade your nausea and vomiting for a stuffy nose, but alas, this is my curse. And the kid isn't even born yet!
I think you get the point. From conception we have pains in childbearing. Then you actually have the baby (painful) and without a chance to "recover" you immediately are swept into a world of feedings, neediness and little sleep. At first this might seem bearable, but then add another child, and then another. Oh you women of strength who make decisions to increase your quiver! I did make the choice for three. And now I think I must be nuts. Right now I have two toddlers and one on the way. When it's all said and done I will have three children ages 3 and younger. WHAT?! No, I am not crazy. And neither are you! Wait, maybe I take that back.
I sit here today with a stuffy nose and extreme fatigue. And I mean extreme - it's bad. My poor husband currently has a roommate who can't pick up after herself, leaves dishes around and puts junk on the floor because that spot looked cozy for that item. I do what I can to make sure that my kids stay safe and fed, albeit via pizza three days in a row and as many fruit bars as they want. Healthy. Ah, but alas we are alive and safe! I think. I know this first trimester fatigue passes, my stuffy nose will not, and soon I will have three little ones in my care. Then what?
Is there hope and help? Well, yes, but whoever said having children was a blessing.....was right. However, let me refer back to my opening statement that motherhood was designed to make me holy. Being sanctified day in and day out is hard work. Let me emphasize that there's no way to prepare for what kind of hard work lies ahead. Some of you may have children with special needs. Perhaps you thought you were done and ended up with a bonus baby, putting a wrench in any financial plans, not to mention vacations or schooling. Each one of our children are different, as is our job each day. And it's not just one job of being a mother, it's multiple jobs of being a mother to each child. And if you have a job, well, then you wear many hats, one of mine which I tip to you! Homeschooling? Then you're a teacher too, to each different child. At the end of the day this can be nothing but exhausting!
Think of the times when you're in the kitchen cutting up veggies (because who wouldn't want to put effort into the health of your kids?), only to have one child hanging on your leg who cries the second you try to move, another child is running in literal circles because it's funny, knocking over a glass of milk (still funny) and then getting so caught up in the moment that they pee on the floor instead of the toilet, perhaps another one asking for dinner to be ready NOW and a baby who needs your breast so bad that if you don't stop what you're doing his little red face is going to explode. When you finally get to feeding him, he does explode, at the other end. Dinner is either burnt or it's 9pm. Fail.
So we have other mothers was can lean on and listen to when times get hard. It's hard to be a good mother when your kids are having bad days, when there's defiance and disobedience, when they're sick - you get the idea. And the good days leave you feeling blessed and refreshed. But can we have that same feeling of blessedness and refreshment when the day has gone kaput? How do we separate our children's behavior from the place of our heart?
Scripture says yes! I say yes! Knowing that I have a God who has gone through everything (EVERYTHING) we have leads me to know that He understands this pain and suffering. Our labors are not in vain, and His promises for blessing are true and real. God does not lie. (God is not human, that he should lie, not a human being, that he should change his mind. Does he speak and then not act? Does he promise and not fulfill? Num. 23:18-20).
Psalm 127:3 says "Children are a heritage from the LORD, offspring a reward from him."
Think about that. A reward. A heritage. There may be difficult days in child rearing, but each one is the Lord telling you that you're worthy to be a mother. A special mother. There is nothing little about a mother and what she does. Whether you have one child or many your role is very specific and holy! Some of you may not have children yet, whether it be by choice or infertility, this does not exclude you. Many women who were barren prayed for a child. God does what pleases Him the most to bring about your holiness. Sometimes we (me) need a few children to show us just how selfish and prideful we can be, and other times humbling yourself before a sovereign God asking for a child expands your faith (not to mention others around you) immensely.
If you're having a hard day then be encouraged that you are exactly where the Lord wants you!
I do love my children. I think everything they do is the cutest, cuter than other kids, of course. Even in their disobedience I can find humor (trying not to laugh in front of them), and even though I am super tired, being able to cuddle with my sick children brings joy. My children will not lay on my lap for much longer, they will not "need" a hug from me every time they get hurt or even ask me to feed them. There is a joy in their littleness. There is also a joy in their independence.
So, I write all this to simply express how I can feel. I don't always look upon my children with radiating joy overflowing abundantly into the streams of my happy heart. Sometimes I want them to go to their room so I can have some quiet. Sometimes I want "me" time - usually during a time when they need me most. This, I believe, is not abnormal. We mothers are made of flesh. The same flesh that is cursed with sin. The same flesh that belongs to the old man. Putting on the "new," turning from sin and working out my salvation is a deliberate decision. It is a dying to myself all day, every day. I even confess that as I write this I am hoping my daughter doesn't wake from her nap so that I don't have to go get her, which will interrupt this writing. I don't think I'm a bad mother. I am a human working out my sanctification everyday with the calling that God has given me: Mother. Mother of Ryan. Mother of Brooklyn. Mother of Baby to be. And let's not forget that my first calling, before the children, was to be a wife. To love, serve and respect my husband is my first role. To come by his side and help him, to encourage his leadership and strength will only help me be a better mother. To work each day as unto the Lord, He will indeed bless me and my household. The woman who fears the Lord will be blessed by her children, her husband and by God (Proverbs 31:10-31).
"But as for me and my household, we will serve the Lord." - Joshua 24:15
Now, I don't know if anything I said even makes sense, or can help you in anyway, but if you're thinking you're alone and crazy, think again. You're in good company, good crazy company!
